The silly-loony-false-memory-flat-earth club

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“I’d watch it if I were you. I’ve started false memory therapy, I’ll get something on you yet. You in a wood with a hood – it’s all coming back to me now”

Eddie to her mother ( our patron ) in in Ab Fab

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Our patron

For a long time I wasn’t able to laugh at the false memory people. I was just too scared.

But after I’d been blogging and tweeting about them for a while, I started to relax.

I was able to laugh and make fun of them. And laughter is really the best medicine.

I wondered what would happen if the false memory gang joined up with the siily loony party and the flat earth society. If they published a magazine together how would it look?

So I wrote this blog post

It comes with a trigger warning and disclaimer.

Disclaimer

This magazine is just for fun and any resemblance to living persons ( apart from Freud, King Charles I, Bin Ladin and Eddie’s Mum in Ab Fab ) and organisations is pure co-incidence. All the views expressed belong to various alters – not me – so you would have to sue each of us independently anyway

 A brisk trot through the workings of memory

There are two types of memory – normal and weird.

If you are normal you have a normal memory. If you have a vague idea that something happened that day when you were playing hide-and-seek in the woods as an eight year old then that’s normal. If you get depressed and start thinking a lot about the day in the woods then it’s still normal. Even if you have strange nightmares about the woods then you are still normal.

But if you decide the thing in the woods is bothering you and you mention it to your GP and she says, “maybe I can refer you to someone you can talk about it with”, then you obviously have a very bad GP who should have realised that you need drugs instead. As soon as you go tomember_preview_class-distinctions_2015-10-06 the counselor she has refered you to, and you start talking about the day in the woods, you are likely to have weird memories and become weird yourself. One of the warning signs that you have become weird is writing a journal.

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Do-it-yourself inplanting

One of our best friends has come up with an idea to fight the obesity epidemic by implanting inplantingfalse memories of spewing up on the sofa after eating too much vanilla and pistachio rippled coffee cup cake instant pudding. The trouble is that there are a lot of instant pudding flavours out there and they are coming up with new flavours every day. So it’s going to cost a bit to do all this implanting. But we hope to be able to fund the project by teaching parents and schools to do it themselves with the revenue from our `Sue the Shrinks´ outreach program.

Dissociation

On the other side of the pond the spread of multiple personalities is rife. Fortunately things are not that bad here yet. But it’s coming over here with all those new instant pudding flavours. So we need to be on our guard.

Just remember, when somebody uses the word dissociation, always change the subject to repression and then waffle on in a very loud voice about somebody who sued a therapist who had encouraged them to beleive that her Aunt Jane was a twenty-headed Medusa. This will make  the person who started to talk about dissociation so irritated and confused that they won’t want to keep talking. And you have won.a477caad561b947aefd65fb7254d22da_edited

Freud

You know that story about how Freud first thought that his female patients were telling the truth about sexual abuse and then changed his mind and invented the oedipus complex 20060917134245-psicologiainstead? Well it isn’t true. Apparently the young Freud just implanted his patients with memories of sexual abuse. How do we know this? Because it has been debunked by a debunker … and if you can prove the debunker wrong he will give you a million bucks.

The Salem Cookbook

A friend of ours has written a very good book about lovely people who worked in childrens’ homes where occasional paedophiles hung out. The children grew up and became criminals.  IMG_3967_editedSome of them were criminals before they even went to the childrens home as babies. These criminals were encouraged by dim-witted bobbies to make up stories about non-existant paedophiles in order to make some dough. This then inspired other criminals around the country to make up more stories and before long another witch-hunt was underway.
Just like Salem in the old days!

Bookbanning

The raving-loony-false-memory-flat-earth club are petitioning a well known English church ( again ) about banning books.
We are very concerned that the church has not banned a self-help book which suggests to readers that they might be able to destroy a city if they march around it seven times.

. We have written to the Archbishop about the matter and informing him that the writers of the book have no recognised qualifications in either medicine or psychology.

The out-to-get-them competition

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Every year we hold a competition to see who can come up with the best campaign for ruining the professional reputation of a successful woman in the field of social work, medical, psychotherapy , journalism or church business. If you would like to nominate next year’s victim please drop us a line.

How to be an expert witness.

We think that the British legal system is stupid because it assumes that a jury has common sense. But fortunately it allows anybody to act as an expert witness – not like in the USA where you have to be vetted. For some reason, judges aren’t keen on expert witnesses who talk about about implanting. So it’s best it’s best to try and prove that the silly girl doing the accusing has a serious mental illness. Then the jury will think that she can’t be telling the truth.

In the USA things change all the time. At one time psychotherapists were sometimes able to act as expert witnesses ( this is what we’ve all seen in films right? ) but then they were disqualified because they didn’t do enough statistical tests on their patients. Recently that’s changed and now they are qualified again. But the battle is on and our false memory people over there are working hard to get them re-disqualified.

Children

There is a rumour going round that children can remember things if you ask them about it. memoryThis is a terrible rumour and we will do our utmost to stamp it  out

The problem page

Dear Auntie Memory
I have schizophrenia and my Mum wants me to stand up in a room in front of over 100 people and apologise to my Dad for having false memories. I’m scared. Please help.
“Worried”

Dear Worried
Poor you ! Schizophenia can be a nasty business at times. Generally speaking doctors are not too keen on people with your condition apologising for their delusions at public meetings. But given that our raving- loony-false-memory-flat-earth club is full of such nice people it probably wouldn’t hurt to do it just once. We serve biscuits afterwards. Just don’t tell anyone outside our club.
Good luck!

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Dear Auntie Memory
A while ago I went to a famous doctor who injected me with a truth drug and implanted me. But there must be some kind of mistake. If truth drugs worked they would have found Bin Ladin by now.
Please help
“Confused”

Dear Confused
You will be pleased to know that our raving-loonie-false-memory-flat-earth staff found Bin Ladin and dropped him in the ocean. We are working hard to make sure we get your doctor also.
Please send cash for the helicopter
Auntie Mem

Dear Auntie Memory,
A few years ago I went to a hypnotherapist who implanted me with false memories and then I went home and destroyed my family. I’d now like to stick my family together again. What can I do?
Please help
“Dejected”

Dear Dejected
Have you tried superglue? Asda’s is best. If it doesn’t work sue them.
Auntie Memory

The Pendulum

The pendulum is swinging. It keeps swinging backwards and forwards ( like pendulums do ). Please remember the pendulum in your Will.

Feedback

Well that’s all for this edition. Please remember to get in touch with letters, suggestions and instant pudding flavours. We’re on the look-out for good photos of implanting memories  so please send them too! And money!

Have a good summer and remember to take your implanting equipment with you to the beach!
Morgan Beck ( Editor)

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2 thoughts on “The silly-loony-false-memory-flat-earth club

  1. conversation overheard at Walton Hall school, from one stupid looking fat middle aged amateur social work clone to another, discussing the removal of a woman’s disabled child into care, ” She’s a little bit Muchavens”.

    Like

  2. Hi Zoompad. i’m really sorry about that. I’ve had to take away your second sentence.. because whilst i beleive you.. I can’t put it on here. I know that will make you angry… i’m sorry but i can’t risk it.

    Like

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